The one where things come full circle

Well, where do I even begin..... 

It's been a while and SO much has happened. 

A pandemic and so much more. 

I know collectively, as humans this pandemic took a toll on everything. Our life changed overnight, and although to someone like myself this is when I thrive, under chaos, there was so much personal stuff already happening that the pandemic took a whole different toll. 

I went through a lot of personal growth that in retrospect I now know I needed. It was painful, but it was completely necessary and because of it I am now in a much better place. 

My life for the last couple of years, if you have followed my journey, you know has revolved around the pursuit a goal, my passion, my life's purpose which I have written about numerous times. Every time it seemed I got closer to that goal there was setbacks. Self doubt, imposter syndrome, cancer scare's the list goes on. 

But, I persisted. 

And then, the pandemic hit. 

Everything that I had worked for didn't matter, because it was out of my control. 

Control, that's something that I have learned I crave so bad, because for the longest time everything was out of my control. I have now come to realize that everything IS out of my control. I can only control so much and the rest is out of my hands.....

As I have written before although I was pursuing this goal, personally I felt very lost with who I was. I think as a mother and perhaps others mothers can relate, we lose a sense of ourselves once we become mothers. Once our kids are a certain age and require less of us, there's a need to find out who we are. I've seen it with other mothers as well. I've seen the growth they've done, the changes in their life they have made, and I know i'm not alone. Aside from this, there was also so much more that I had lost. I realized I had never really grieved the loss of my father or my son. I pushed those negative feelings aside and sort of continued. Not allowing myself to fully feel the weight of what that meant. 

And so, when I finished my pre-req's to apply to the ADN programs which I had so tirelessly pursued. I felt like I was going to feel some sort of gratification and happiness. Academically, I had completed everything to the best of my capabilities. Personally, I know now had I been accepted to any of those programs, I wouldn't have been ready. I thought I was, but I wasn't. And so came the first rejection notice from my community colleges ADN program. I knew that no matter how well I had done with my pre-req's and everything else, this was VERY much a possibility. California, especially northern California is highly impacted when it comes to nursing schools. But, even though I knew this was a possibility my dream seemed further and almost impossible. 

I took my time to feel the weight of the rejection and with that came a whole bunch of other feelings of rejections from stuff that had absolutely had nothing to do with the rejection letter itself. But, instead it opened the flood gates to access trauma in all aspects of my life that I don't think I would have had time to access had it not been for the rejection. And so, I took the time to be a mess if you will. 

A mess. Honestly, I was. I was a mess for a while. I had no direction as everything I had worked for had been denied with a single e-mail and I had no direction to go.

It took a while. A long while actually to gather myself and when I finally did and was ready to apply to other nursing programs, the pandemic hit. Suddenly, my goal seemed damn near impossible. I don't say that as hyperbole. All the students that had applied for the following semester where not going to be able to start that year till the following Spring, and furthermore they would not be accepting any new applications for the following Spring year. At all. 

It took me a while to start thinking bigger than I had previously thought and I came up with a game plan. I had previously just thought of applying to ADN programs & just one BSN program. But, I expanded my thinking and thought to myself, if I really felt that this was my life's purpose then go big or go home right? 

And so, I came up with my Hail Mary plan that I called it. I was going to apply to BSN programs that had initially not been in my radar because I thought they were completely out of my league. And, in order to apply to these programs there were additional classes that I had to take in order to apply. So, I gathered all my information, reached out to these schools and figured out how I was going to be able to take these additional classes in the middle of a pandemic. 

I was determined. 

Without really telling anyone, I enrolled into taking the additional 5 classes that I was going to need to apply to these 3 BSN programs. 

I completed the classes, took the TEAS, did everything I was supposed to without really telling everyone and applied. 

I honestly let go. 

I rallied, I came up with a game plan and left it up to the universe.

If this was the path that was meant for me I would end up where I was supposed to. If not then I would keep pursuing my passion through any means necessary. 

Although I did feel completely defeated for a couple of months, to be completely honest, it served as a reminder of just how much I wanted this. I had lost the reason why I started and although I was severely depressed from the rejection. After the initial feelings, it made pursue it that much harder. It made me want it that much more, it brought about a drive that I had lost. 

And so, I applied and waited. 

Waited months for an answer. 

As the days passed and with every e-mail that came through about the status of my application I felt more excitement and anticipation. 

Fear was there of course, I knew the pandemic had impacted the nursing field even more and getting in was going to be even harder now than before.

But, I let go.

I waited. 

Days went on and months went by. I finally received a letter from one of the schools and learned I was accepted, but with my alternative major and I would be finding out in the coming months if I had been accepted into the actual nursing program itself. And so, optimism grew, but so did doubt. 

I waited. 

Then came the second e-mail from the school that I whole heartedly never thought to apply to because I felt it was way out of my league. They let me know that my application had been received, was being reviewed and that e-mails regarding their decision would be sent out in the coming weeks. 

I waited. 

The day finally arrived when the e-mails would get sent out from the school that I never had dreamed of. I checked my e-mail every couple of minutes it seemed, but nothing came through. As the hours went by I became to prepare myself that the e-mail might be what I had expected, the school was way out of my league. I went for a walk to clear my head and every couple of minutes I checked, nothing. A block away from my house I checked and there it was, the email I had been waiting for. Not just months, YEARS, years to receive. The e-mail from the school that I had not planned on applying to, but took a leap of faith, I opened the e-mail and in big bold letters was the words CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED 

I've seen videos of people receiving their acceptance letters and crying, never did I envision how I would react, but in the middle of the sidewalk in one of the busiest streets I broke down and bawled. I mean, cried like I had been holding these particular tears in forever. And, in a sense I had. 

Blood, sweat and tears to read those words. 

Everything to get to this point flashed through my thoughts. 

Joshua, his loss, Natalia and her birth, me realizing nursing was my path, my calling, it IS what I'm meant to do. 

I sit here writing this knowing that what started out as a blog post and a discussion that nursing might be my calling has now come ALMOST full circle. 

The journey, my journey. 

They say you make plans and God laughs at them, and boy do I have a new sense of appreciation for that saying. 

The school which I will be attending for my BSN is in partnership with the hospital in which Joshua was born. This school was so out of my vision that I did not know this until I got accepted. There are no coincidences. I have always felt that I was following my path and although I doubted it I persisted. Never did I envision this type of full circle moment. 

I dared to dream and the universe said dream bigger. The universe knew I wasn't going to meet my full potential staying in my comfort zone. 

I have turned the sourest lemons life has to offer and turned them into something resembling lemonade. I know these next two years will be the most challenging years I will encounter, but I will persist. 

I am being given an opportunity to pursue my life's purpose and I plan on whole heartedly pursuing that with the most of passion. 

You guy's, I am a nursing student ! 

It took years to get to this point, but you guy's I'm a nursing student. 

I don't think I'll get tired of saying that for the next two years until i'm able to say, you guys I'm a registered nurse! 

There's so much more I want to write, but for now I think I just want to document this. 

This moment of accomplishment, of following through, of feeling like i'm in the flow of things, of knowing that if you persist, you perceiver, you can accomplish what you put your mind to.  

Will the next two years be easy ? 

No, absolutely not. But, I know this is my journey, this is my path and the doors have been open for me enter this new chapter that awaits. 

I'm ready. 

Insert all the corny quotes you can imagine here, 

She believed she could and so she did, 

The best is yet to come.....