This far

It's that time again, the time when everything seems to be going warp speed and I'm hanging on for dear life just trying to keep up.

Finals.

The time in the semester when you're so close to being done, yet everything seems to be piling on. I can see the finish line yet, I doubt in myself & the ability that i'll be able to make it.

This time it's completely different. I am overwhelmed with so much.
Life.
Life has happened in the most intense of ways in the last couple of months & it has finally caught up to me.

Calm, cool & collected is what my exterior show. That's my demeanor at all times. I'm not one to show emotions at all. Especially when I'm stressed, it will manifest itself in different forms, but never will I show that I am stressed. I'll internalize and try to not only accomplish everything, but do it to perfection. Which, as we are all aware perfection doesn't exist.

Yet, that is me.

And, so here I am two weeks shy of completing my final pre-req & at the heels of taking the TEAS & applying to Nursing programs.
How do I feel ?
I don't.

I met with my counselor last week & she said "You made it! Are you excited you're almost done?" my reply " hmm, i'm actually not excited. It doesn't seem real"
And, the truth is i'm not excited because for one, I know how competitive these programs are. Life has taught me to be optimistic, but REALISTIC. It's not impossible to get into these programs, but I'm setting my expectations low so I won't be disappointed, a feeling i'm oh, too familiar with.

There's so many layers to this post.
This sense of "I can't believe I'm writing this post" the 'I'm one step shy of applying' post.
It seemed so far away, yet here I am typing about it.
I'm here.
That's another layer, I honestly didn't know if I would be here....
This story of mines has developed not only in the last couple of years, but within the last couple of months where I honestly didn't know if I would be here....

Yet, here I am typing this.
It's surreal.
So much build up & the road travelled to get here has been anything but smooth. It has been filled with obstacles left & right. Bumps, potholes, you name it & these last couple of years I have dealt with it.

From deciding to go back to school to pursue 'my calling' to thinking I might have breast cancer, i've been through it all & the last couple of months just was icing on the cake.

Perhaps one day I'll write about what transpired these last few months. Although I have always been transparent that post will perhaps be one I never share, or perhaps so. I honestly don't know.

Back on topic, where do I go from here ?
First, I think I have to allow myself to feel....to feel something. Excitement, anxiety, happiness or whatever it may be. I should feel, something.

Blood, sweat & tears have been put into my accomplishing arriving at this moment. I mean that literally & figuratively. Hours upon hours of studying, isolation & meltdowns have all been for this moment.

The moment of finishing all pre-req's & applying to RN programs.

It doesn't seem real. I worked so hard to get to this point & the overwhelming sense of accomplishment is overshadowed by the sense of, theres still so much further to go. So much further, but why should that stop me from celebrating at least this accomplishment ? My life has revolved around accomplishing this & now i'm here with a road that still needs to get traveled, but man. Doesn't it feel good to know I got this far ?

I would think so.....Yet, here I sit.

Overthinking. Something i'm great at doing. I'm a planner & like to have everything planned out. The last couple of years have allowed me to do just that. Plan. And, now that everything I have planned has led me here, where there is no more planning, there's only uncertainty of where my road will lead I am TERRIFIED.

Scared. That's what I do feel. Scared that it doesn't matter how much planning I do, life will happen & it will propel me towards roads I hadn't planned for.
I must persist, I must continue.
In spite of the fear because, life is happening.
I only get one of these, and although I go through my moments of wishing I was dealt different cards, these are the ones I was dealt & i'm making the best out of it.
I'm playing my best hand in a life I had not planned for.
Isn't that life though ? It's full of surprises and unexpected twists & turns that's what makes it exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

This is it.
I've come this far.
There's still so much more to go, but damn I made it thus far.