Watching as I fall

Can not believe we are almost done with the year.

It's been such a roller coaster of emotions and i'm not even sure where to begin, end or continue.....

So much to update on and yet there's still a future that remains unwritten and i'm unsure of what it will hold.
I sound so cryptic, but after my lumpectomy there's a lot of things that got all jumbled.

The person who I thought I was is no more. And, I am unsure who she is, that is me.

I'm learning.
I'm growing.
I'm accepting.
I'm unknown.

After Joshua passed away it took me A LONG time to find myself. It was such a dark period in my life, but I know I can go through anything in this journey and come out stronger in the other end. It taught me that I was resilient among many other things.
After years of trying to find myself I thought I had. And, maybe I truly did find myself as his death brought to light what I am sure of and maybe the only thing I am sure of these days, is my calling in life.

After my lumpectomy however, I completely lost all control of what I thought was my life and of myself. I haven't spoken about it really to anyone and of course the place I feel more comfortable speaking, or writing about it is here.
My safe space.

Though the process of finding the lump, getting a mammogram, having to get an ultrasound, having to get a biopsy and ultimately having to get a lumpectomy went by quick it seems. The effects have been life changing and long lasting.

I am unsure if any woman who has gone through something similar feels the same way, or perhaps its my predisposed disposition to allow something like this to completely alter or change my life, but i'm not the same. At all.

I'm questioning my life in a way I haven't, ever.
I'm questioning my happiness and what I really want out of life.
I'm questioning if I have just been following what others perceive to be the life i'm supposed to be living.
I'm questioning.

And, it's draining.
And, it's exhausting.
And, it's also refreshing in a way.

This all probably sounds so cryptic and i'm not trying to be it's just I am truly at a point where I am lost.
I'm unsure.

I am so unsure of so many things now.

If i'm sure of one thing is that I strive to be the best version of me that I can.
And, right now I am not it.
Not even close.
Not mentally.

My headspace is a mess in so many ways. I'm trying to find home base in what seems like a cloud of questions. The more I try, the more home base gets moved and the more lost I become.

This isn't depression.
I know her.
I'm familiar.
This isn't anxiety.
I know her.
I'm familiar.

This is uncertainty.
I don't know her.
And, i'm terrified.

I have seen friends through the years leave stability, leave what looked like was a perfect life for something completely unknown and I judged.
I judged because I did not get it.
I get it now.

They were pursuing happiness and they were brave enough to go for it.
They seem so happy now. Not that they didn't before, but I applaud them for pursuing that despite what people like me would think.

I have a lot of stuff to figure out.
A lot of stuff to put together and work through.
I'm trying. Day by day to figure it out. But, it seems the more I try the more lost I become.

I'm 33 and i'm unsure if this is what people refer to as a midlife crisis, but it wasn't caused by my age. It was caused by something that was out of my control and perhaps that is why the more control I try to gain the more it seems everything is out of my control. And, I know that everything in life is mostly out of our control, but this is so different to describe. I'm trying the best I can with my best form of expression to do so, which is writing, but it does not suffice.

I kind of just needed to get all my feelings and thoughts out of myself.
I have tried discussing them, but it's confusing. I realize all this probably sounds confusing as well, but that's the headspace I'm at.

Confused.
Unsure.

The year is almost over and the woman who started this year is not the same one who is leaving. Not that any of us are.
We all change, evolve, grow and learn.
But, this is different.

I'm not sure what this is, but i'm trying to figure it out.