Monday, March 4, 2013

Cut in halves

Being a parent is hard.
Constantly you're thinking "am I doing this right?",  add being a parent to an Angel & a living child and a whole other set of constant fears arises.

Since Josh passed my year is usually divided in halves. Six months and six months. I count down till October comes and then from October countdown till April. Repeat.

When natty was born I looked forward to her first birthday but because I was going to be able to celebrate it not because she was turning one, if that makes any sense. It's a horrible thing to admit because she's my living daughter and I seriously treasure every single moment I get to spend with her but It's also a reminder of all the moments that I will never get to treasure with Josh.

As her second birthday draws near me & J decided that last year we didn't really get to enjoy her. We made a huge party, seriously went all out but we were busy running around making sure the party was going good we didn't get to enjoy her. So this is year we decided no party, we will do something small just us three and take her some where special and enjoy it with her. As her birthday approaches all I can think about is April is just around the corner and I haven't really thought about the fact that Natty is turning two.

Last night as I was rocking her to sleep and she refused to go down J decided let's try putting her in her crib, saying goodnight & seeing what happens. I realize most parents don't rock their child to sleep still and most start "sleep training" their kid early on however we enjoy rocking her because for the most part she goes down rather easily and it allows us that one on one time. There's also something beautiful of having her fall asleep in your arms. Well J took her to her crib, said good night , tucked her in and walked out. We both watched her monitor and waited for her to start crying but that never happened. She laid there sucking her thumb, rolling around for about fifteen minutes and then we didn't hear anything. I waited 15 more minutes and then went to check on her. I tip toed over to her crib and was ready to see her there awake but no, there she was sound asleep. I covered her up and stood there looking over her and then it happened. I realized how big she is actually getting. I stood there and re lived the first time I laid her down in her crib , she was so tiny compared to what seemed this giant crib I was laying her down in but not anymore. There she laid a big girl in a almost to small crib. I walked out her room and went to lay next to Jonathan and told him, with a sad face " She fell asleep, She's turning into a big girl, When did this happen ? OMG She's going to be two, she was just born" I started crying and Jonathan started laughing while hugging me and telling me how crazy I was being as I responded "You just don't get it"

I don't think I got it till last night. She's growing up so fast and most of the time I just don't get it because I'm busy grieving.
It's hard.
It's tough.
How do I fully commit to giving her my full attention while in reality my attention is split in two because Josh is always on mind. I cherish every single milestone while at the same time mourn that I will never celebrate and I should be celebrating that milestone with Josh. I guess I have to find a balance.
I don't know.
 I feel a constant need to keep Josh's memory alive while being fully present with natty and maybe that's a burden I will have to live with forever ? or maybe it get's easier ?
I don't know

At least last night I realized something.
My year doesn't need to be cut in halves. It shouldn't be cut in halves. I have Natty's birthday to account for as part of my year. Why it took me almost two years to realize this ? I don;t know

The life of an angel mom.....The life of a rainbow mom. 

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