Hello there

Why hello there.

My hasn't it been a LONG time since I last posted. I know I promised myself to blog more often but geez. It's hard to do chasing around a toddler and TRYING to keep the house looking semi neat.

So what's there to update.

Natalia is 15 months old =O what ?! seriously time just flies, i was trying a dress on her that was hanging on her wall that i received as a gift when she born, I remember looking at it and thinking " OMG she's never going to fit into that, it's so HUGE!" well lo and behold this past weekend I took off her wall & thinking it was still going to fit big I tried it on her and it fit *tears* I seriously did cry. Jonathan looked at me like i was crazy but it seriously was a significant moment for me to see her fit into this dress. I look at pictures and see how much she's grown but i guess this dress made that moment real if that makes any sense. Ah I just love her so much. She has entered a new stage now though. She's really showing her personality and her 'attitude' she LOVES grabbing her clothes & pretending to put them on while modeling them. If you say Ooh, Ahh she will smile and do want to show off. She's a little diva.

I remember while i was pregnant and we found out she was a girl I was scared. I am much more of a tomboy that i had no idea how i was going to handle pink & dolls and what have you but I have to say I love having a little girl. There's so much stuff to dress them up in, it seriously is fun. I think i would do extremely well with a boy too, one thing i hate hearing is how women with boys complain that there's no cute stuff for boys. I see TONS of cute stuff for boys. If joshy were here he would be rocking some cute outfits that for sure.

That kind of leads me to my next part of my post.

When i was young I never really thought about how many kids i was going to have when I was older. When I got pregnant with Joshy & when he was born premature me & Jonathan both thought he was going to be our only one. Well Joshy passed away & we both wanted & longed to have kids so along came natty. Well as natty gets older I think about If she will be our only living child. I have discussed it with Jonathan & we have one thing in common we for sure are not having any more kids within the next 3-4 years. Maybe after that but who know. He has expressed that he does want one more child, sometimes i do too. I think about how lonely it would be for natty when she is older and both me & jonathan are gone. She will have no sibling. She has A LOT of cousins that she probably will consider her brother or sister but not a true sibling. Then I think about how much stress comes with a pregnancy. For me, being pregnant with natty was stressful, actually it was VERY stressful. I see how pregnant women say being pregnant is a 'magical time' full of happiness blah blah blah. For me it wasn't. I was consonantly thinking if she was okay in there, if  my placenta was forming correctly, did she have enough cord flow, did she have enough amnio fluid, was everything developing correctly, was the next Dr appt going to be the one where they told me something wasn't right, the list goes ON & ON & ON. As i have been very open here I have depression & anxiety so being pregnant just intensified those feelings. I refused to take medication because I was on zoloft while pregnant with Joshy & wether or not that affected the pregnancy i will never know but I refused to take that risk with Natty. I'm not saying that I didn't have wonderful moment while pregnant with natty because I did. It was great feeling her grow & move but i think what I'm getting at is I will NEVER EVER be able to experience a worry free pregnancy like most women do. I know the million and one things that can go wrong in a pregnancy & because I personally experienced that, that knowledge can not be undone. It is not like I read or someone told  me "ya know, sometimes the placenta doesn't develop right" or " ya know sometimes the umbellical cord dies & the baby can not get enough food & stop growing" If someone told me that I would think about it but it wouldn't have a affect on me because I have no experience with it . I seriously wish I could go back to being naive about pregnancy where all you see is rainbows & butterflies & unicorns. I guess that's why women sometimes don't take prematurity seriously cause they hear about it and see it on t.v but they are naive. Oh to be naive again. So will me & Jonathan have more kids ? who knows, I really have no idea. But if natty & joshy are the only two pregnancies i EVER have then I am blessed either way. Here are some recent pictures of little miss Natalia. I know I haven't posted some in a while. I will try to link up all her recent Youtube video's as well. I know I have been bad about keeping her video's updated

She now was five toofers :) her hair is refusing to grow & from the looks of it is going to be curly. yikes

Her first Horse ride. She enjoyed it.

She loves her pink car. He papa bear got if for her for he birthday

At the lake

Family picture :)

I love this picture, all he wanted was a hug & all she wanted was to get away lol