vent,update.....uhhh

so joshy is doing better from an overall stand point, he is off the NO and is receiving his daily dose of viagra, his lungs are another story, he seems to be at a standstill, the dr's have told me that the x-rays look all the same but that it's also due to his chronic lung disease. he's still on his antibiotics and on oscilator. when will he come off ? only god knows, i am very happy that my little superman has proved the dr's wrong by making it past his "24-48 hour watch" but i wish things would move along. his feeding are...... well they have put in a NJ tube which was working great he was up to 6cc continues an hour, but because of the oral viagra it keep getting clogged and they have to keep taking it out and putting it back in, which wouldnt be a problem except everytime they have to put it back in they start back at 1cc which is less than a teaspoon. he is very yellow due to him not bieng fed which has led to his liver bieng enlarged which has then led to his tummy bieng VERY destinted. i mean its huge, which leads us back to his lungs they dont have alot of space and on and on and on.................now for my pitty party, i want my baby home i want him better. i have missed out on half his life already because half of it he has remained sedated and on vent which most time means he cant be held. i am not complaining well yes i am, no one wishes to have there baby go through this and although jonathan is my rock, he will never understand how guilty i feel for not bieng able to keep him in my belly long enough. i hate it when people say "if joshua wouldnt of been born early he would of been a beautiful baby big and strong" which makes me feel like crap. okay so i am done venting it is easter sunday and my little bunny joshy is alive and although not in the greatest condition he is fighting so i would like to make a deal with god.
Dear god,
thank you for blessing me with joshua and trusting me to take care of one of your angels, but your trying to take him to soon, i promise to love him, care for him and make him the happiest baby on earth, just please do not take him before his time and please heal him.