Conundrum.
These last two weeks have been really weird for me in an emotional / mental health type of way. There have been two very big suicide stories that have been big news in mass media & they both have been triggers for me. I honestly don't have any connection to either of the celebrities who recently committed suicide, but just seeing the story in every avenue on social media has been..... It has been different for me than other times.
I have been VERY open about my past attempts at committing suicide & my struggles with my own mental health. But, and I feel like a complete hypocrite for writing what i'm about to write, but at this particular point in my life i'm not in that head space (thankfully!) and so, seeing or reading about these stories have been triggers for me. Especially reading the comments in posts even reading the headlines have been triggers for me. As I stated I feel like such a hypocrite on not wanting to see these stories or about choosing to now cut back on how much I post about my struggles with mental health. Because, if you look back I have been so very open about my struggles but now I am a bit more hesitant to post so openly. Not necessarily here in my safe space, but in social media in general. As a matter of fact, I rarely post on Facebook at all these days and there's a couple of reasons for that. For one, I am not a fan of the platform anymore for various reasons. Yes, this has to do a lot with the way the platform handled itself during the presidential election & all the information of how Facebook knew of infiltration of our information and all the other stuff that has been made public as of late. How the platform sold our information etc. But, besides that I have become way more mindful of what information I choose to share especially when it comes to my mental health. Why ? Well, I'm moving forward into a professional point in my life that up till this point I hadn't been. I realize my post, although it would be discriminatory to use them against me, might make me seem unbalanced or unable to handle certain situation by future employers. Especially because of the field which I'm pursuing.
Do you get where i'm going with this ?
Its been tough to feel as though I can't be so open and transparent about mental health, but I also realize that I will and in some ways already am, in ways of me volunteering in the NICU, representing a company. And, they have not only their best intentions for their patients, but to make sure I am Ok also. Is this making sense at all ?
I have always been so open about my struggles because I know how much of a taboo it is to speak about depression, anxiety, PTSD, Suicide attempts and any mental health issues in general. And, by me speaking about my struggles I have always hoped to have someone feel as though they're not alone. But now I find myself on this fine line of wanting to share, but knowing that by doing so i'm having to hold myself accountable of any negative impact this might have in my life moving forward in my career. Before I began volunteering I had a couple of conversation with multiple people who know me and my story at the hospital and their number one concern was to make sure I was ready to be back. I was, and I completely understand they had nothing but the best intentions. But, I find myself having to in a way prove that "I'm Ok" and so I understand more so than ever that everything I post on any type of platform moving forward might get back to future employers. Again, I realize they can't discriminate because of my mental health, but I also realize I have to take accountability on how I handle myself across social media platforms and this includes what information I choose to share.
I think I have been so bluntly honest with my journey and unapologetic about it that now that I have to "check" myself before posting anything it feels hypocritical of me to say the subject of mental health is taboo & yet here I am trying to not post so openly about it.
Its a conundrum really.
This past year I've had to be in some way more open about my mental health more so than ever. In my college career I knew I qualified for DSPS accommodations because of my anxiety, yet felt that if I saw out to get these accommodations I was letting my anxiety win..... Silly looking back, but this is how I felt. It wasn't until this semester that I finally was fully open with my counselor and he advised me that I shouldn't feel embarrassed or as though I let myself down because I needed accommodations for longer test taking, or a quite room to ease my test anxiety. I told him that I didn't want the nursing programs to see me be a part of DSPS and think that I wouldn't be able to handle nursing school. His response was actually what I needed to hear, he told me that if I looked at it from the perspective that despite my anxiety I was able to overcome my mental health and that it showed perseverance.
It completely changed my perspective.
I don't intend to ever stop sharing my personal struggles or my journey, but it's just the way I go about doing so is different now. And, i'm Ok with that.
I have been VERY open about my past attempts at committing suicide & my struggles with my own mental health. But, and I feel like a complete hypocrite for writing what i'm about to write, but at this particular point in my life i'm not in that head space (thankfully!) and so, seeing or reading about these stories have been triggers for me. Especially reading the comments in posts even reading the headlines have been triggers for me. As I stated I feel like such a hypocrite on not wanting to see these stories or about choosing to now cut back on how much I post about my struggles with mental health. Because, if you look back I have been so very open about my struggles but now I am a bit more hesitant to post so openly. Not necessarily here in my safe space, but in social media in general. As a matter of fact, I rarely post on Facebook at all these days and there's a couple of reasons for that. For one, I am not a fan of the platform anymore for various reasons. Yes, this has to do a lot with the way the platform handled itself during the presidential election & all the information of how Facebook knew of infiltration of our information and all the other stuff that has been made public as of late. How the platform sold our information etc. But, besides that I have become way more mindful of what information I choose to share especially when it comes to my mental health. Why ? Well, I'm moving forward into a professional point in my life that up till this point I hadn't been. I realize my post, although it would be discriminatory to use them against me, might make me seem unbalanced or unable to handle certain situation by future employers. Especially because of the field which I'm pursuing.
Do you get where i'm going with this ?
Its been tough to feel as though I can't be so open and transparent about mental health, but I also realize that I will and in some ways already am, in ways of me volunteering in the NICU, representing a company. And, they have not only their best intentions for their patients, but to make sure I am Ok also. Is this making sense at all ?
I have always been so open about my struggles because I know how much of a taboo it is to speak about depression, anxiety, PTSD, Suicide attempts and any mental health issues in general. And, by me speaking about my struggles I have always hoped to have someone feel as though they're not alone. But now I find myself on this fine line of wanting to share, but knowing that by doing so i'm having to hold myself accountable of any negative impact this might have in my life moving forward in my career. Before I began volunteering I had a couple of conversation with multiple people who know me and my story at the hospital and their number one concern was to make sure I was ready to be back. I was, and I completely understand they had nothing but the best intentions. But, I find myself having to in a way prove that "I'm Ok" and so I understand more so than ever that everything I post on any type of platform moving forward might get back to future employers. Again, I realize they can't discriminate because of my mental health, but I also realize I have to take accountability on how I handle myself across social media platforms and this includes what information I choose to share.
I think I have been so bluntly honest with my journey and unapologetic about it that now that I have to "check" myself before posting anything it feels hypocritical of me to say the subject of mental health is taboo & yet here I am trying to not post so openly about it.
Its a conundrum really.
This past year I've had to be in some way more open about my mental health more so than ever. In my college career I knew I qualified for DSPS accommodations because of my anxiety, yet felt that if I saw out to get these accommodations I was letting my anxiety win..... Silly looking back, but this is how I felt. It wasn't until this semester that I finally was fully open with my counselor and he advised me that I shouldn't feel embarrassed or as though I let myself down because I needed accommodations for longer test taking, or a quite room to ease my test anxiety. I told him that I didn't want the nursing programs to see me be a part of DSPS and think that I wouldn't be able to handle nursing school. His response was actually what I needed to hear, he told me that if I looked at it from the perspective that despite my anxiety I was able to overcome my mental health and that it showed perseverance.
It completely changed my perspective.
I don't intend to ever stop sharing my personal struggles or my journey, but it's just the way I go about doing so is different now. And, i'm Ok with that.
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